LAWRENCE
You see, my dear-
Every royal family, by its nature,
Has a sort of price that it must pay.
Every noble lineage has
One loose gene-
Small as a molecule,
Flitting 'round the family pool.
It's the sort of thing
One sees in Appalachia
Or in the odd inbred bichon frise.
It really can be such a
Nasty stain on the escutcheon
When a wisp of DNA
Begins to fray, then goes astray.
Caligula had the tempre,
The Hapburgs had the chin.
George the Third went cuckoo-bird
And Nero had that violin-
Richard, you'll remember,
Had the himp and
The withered limb.
The Bushes of Tex
Were nervous wrecks
Because their son was dim,
But look what happened to him.
Alas, our family also
Carries a bit of a curse
But darling, it could be
A great deal worse.
Thus ends the verse.
Ruprecht's all about
Sun and soda-pop,
Paws on puppy-dogs, candy-canes,
Ruprecht's all about
Chocolate bunnies and
Lazy afternoons and daisy-chains.
With a little brother like this
You can't help but have
A happy home.
With style upon grace
And a smile upon his face
And all that's missing is a
chromosome.
But Ruprecht's all about
Hugs and Valentines
That's why people all say
Hey Ruprecht-
You're really okay!
Isn't he adorable?
Ruprecht's all about hugs and
valentines-
RUPREHT
-Milkshake enemas-
LAWRENCE
-Fun and play.
Ruprecht's all about-
RUPRECHT
-Burmese belly-rubs,
Fresh-shaved testicles
On Christmas day.
LAWRENCE
With a smile that's a mile and a half
And a laugh and a hearty
'Howdja do?
RUPRECHT
Howdja do!
LAWRENCE
It's a cinch that we will be
A happy family,
One plus one plus one-
RUPRECHT
-Makes two!
Ruprecht's crazy 'bout taxidermy
And KY Jelly on a rubber glove!
LAWRENCE
So give him a chance or three,
Let him get to know you
And you'll agree
That Ruprecht's...
All about love.
Who's the happy chappy with the
ulcerated ear?
JOLENE
Ruprecht?
LAWRENCE
Who stays awake all night
hollering out with fear?
JOLENE
Ruprecht?
LAWRENCE
Who likes to spend every
Saturday at the abattoir?
Who gets the cattle-prod if he tries
to hump the samovar?
Who likes to save up all his farts
in a Mason jar?'
You guessed it-
LAWRENCE/FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
It's Ruprecht,
My buddy Ruprecht-
LAWRENCE
I like him-
LAWRENCE/FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
Ruprecht-
LAWRENCE
And that's about all.
New Lyrics 
